who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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