she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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