i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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