totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
