He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
