Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
