hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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