i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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