She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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