What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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