Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
