yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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