i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I smell stomach acid.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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