my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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