I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
