your parents love me but you hate me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
