organizing the empties. That sober.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
