You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
