I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
