You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
