Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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