I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
