He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
