i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
