he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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