New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
