I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
