Umm I'm too high to move.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
