in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How drunk are you?
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