I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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