please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
