Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
