i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
