life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
