He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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