so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
