Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
