he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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