I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
