she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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