i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
