Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i barfeds in our rink
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
