Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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