Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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