i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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