she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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