There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
