clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
