i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
