Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
