I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
